Wednesday, September 24, 2014

it is hard to let go

This past year has been going smoothly but slowly and at the same time so fast. I can't help but wonder where the time went because it still feels like I married yesterday, which was in fact last December. So many opportunities arose this year, to get my name out into this world and do something greater than myself. It truly has been fun to work with passionate people to save German midwives, but after 6 months of working continuously more than I really have time for, I feel empty. We birthed a parents' initiative out of nothing, gathered many awesome people and networked like crazy. I am grateful for all we have been through together. Because some of them are really close friends now.

I don't have any good ideas left and in my heart I know I have to let this project go for  a while. To focus on different things, like my business as a cloth diaper instructor. It's all in German, but if you want to take a peek, here it is.
 I really want to get that off the ground and earn money form it in the next year. I have more ideas than I can count for this business and I feel I need to focus on this.

And our family.

Our traditions and daily routines have been shaken up because of all that has been going on. We really need to get back to them. They ground us so well - take care of our souls. After a long and busy time we truly appreciate that.

But it is hard to let this parents' initiative go for a while and while I tell myself it won't be forever I just can't say that for sure. And maybe it isn't. Maybe it is. Whatever will come our way it will be great. And while I focus on other ventures I hope German midwives will find a resolution to this mess they are in. They are infinitely important for families, mothers, dads and siblings.


Friday, March 7, 2014

I do.

We have been married for two months now.
When my husband asked to marry me, I was hesitant, asking for a minute to think. More than a minute to be honest. If you have been sticking around a while you know it hasn't been easy.
It never has been between us and throwing a kid in hasn't made things easier.

When I planned and thought about wedding things the thought of "I can't do this" and " what the hell am I doing here" circled around in my mind every now and then.
In the end, we got married. It was the best day in my entire life for sure.

And on days like today where D sings in is carseat this song...


… asks daddy the umpteenth time to give him a cuddle and a kiss before he exhaustedly falls asleep, I know in my heart that this is true:

I did exactly the right thing at the right time, because I love. 

I can't even express in words how happy and grateful I am for the days when we snuggle up in bed together to read stories. Grateful for the times I snuggle D to sleep. I sing him this silly song I made up and drive my husband crazy with. It's truly a catchy tune.

How filled with love this makes me.

And how I wish Dee will remember these days and preserve the feeling of being truly loved for who he  is. I know he will.

I found my place of belonging. Where I can be who I am, love and give everything I have without fear.
this is a really big deal for me, experiencing some kind of fear on a constant basis in my life.
I finally have taken the guard down and it feels so great, to give to love and to belong.

Here with my two men.


Wednesday, February 26, 2014

one day

It's on 1:35 am and I have worked on my computer more than 4 hours. work is infinite these days and every day is a clean slate. why is that you ask?
It's because I am wrestling with dragons and fighting against windmills or so it seems. at least to me.

On Feb 14th, 11 days ago a press release was made that german midwives are no longer covered by insurance starting in July 2015. This means most of our midwives are no longer allowed to do what they do best, help bringing babies into this world.
With the help of a few people on Facebook we started a discussion group which gained in a little less than 48 hours 10.000 members. a day later my husband and I started to work on a website. at first only in our minds, toying with the idea. thinking if it would work out.
we worked almost day and night for one week. together on separate computers to fill this website with life, content and heart.
and so we did.

it's crazy how things happen when you least expect them and I totally try to go with the flow, but a part of me really wants to go back. to silent knitting nights, to watching netflix endlessly. which I haven't in  what feels like an eternity. instead I work and listen to the silence on Facebook in the wee hours of the mornings.
I wish I could time travel and see what the coming weeks and months hold, but truth is I can't.

only I can do is trust.
trust where I should go. trust where I need to go and hoping it will all teach me a lesson or two in between. there are moments of negativity where I think this will not lead to a desired solution anyway. in a way it may be so. In another it might not.
If I sit in my home all day thinking about what could be doesn't change the truth. and to change the truth I have to do something, anything. so, I use my home as a main headquarter for emails, websites, organization, flyer, sticker, poster, discussions and phone calls.

and yet, all I want to go is back.
hello change. today I am too stroppy to lean into you.
I'm not ready.


Monday, January 6, 2014

of simplicity and silence

2014 here you are.

I have been thinking which words I'd like to choose this year and some things just fall in my lap like the words of simplicity and silence.

In the last days of 2013 there has been a lot hustle and bustle because of our wedding, D's birthday and various other things. it made me crave silence. alone time. a book. hoping 2014 will be the year I can embrace silence in many new ways.

simplicity is the word that I choose to guide me most. I accumulated too much stuff I don't really need anymore, that I have the grace, power and will to let go and move on.
to simplifiy in a world that likes competing. to stop buying too much. to give things away. only buy the things we really need.

may these words be my guardian when life gets crazy.
I am ready for a new year, new possibilities, unexpected goodness and many downfalls.

here's to another grand year.


Saturday, January 4, 2014



has been the year of another move. we moved in with D's dad and got married :)

has been the year of growth.
As I was setting my heart on this word in the last days of 2012 I hadn't much in mind, just that I want to be a better cook and a more intuitive mother, listening more to my own heart than what society and the people around me tell me. I never thought that this food thing gave me the inspiration to cook vegan unprocessed organic food. All the time.
And anyone knows who has kids that parenting is always a lifetime growing thing.

but I grew in many more ways.

has been the year my photography hobby was almost non-existent. But we have hundreds of mobile pics and videos. I just haven't had enough time.

has been the year I unplugged much and made the most heartfelt friends. who now form part of our family.

has been the year I became a certified in-home daycare provider and cared for a little girl for 6 months.
Right now we are not taking on any daycare kids. we are still fusing two households, rearranging furniture, getting rid of things.

has been the year our home has become waldorf inspired. I sorted through all of our plastic toys and discarded or gave them away. we limited some things like stuffed animals, they kind of took up too much room.

has been the year my baby grew up in so many ways. He uses the potty now all day and only uses a diaper during the night. He learned to talk, walk, run and many more things. he taught me about patience and silence.

has been the year I mindfully leaned towards homeschooling and how to make that happen. we are onto something is all I can say.

2013 has been good to us. A year full of change.

I am looking forward to 2014 and all it brings us.